So today at the bookstore I wanted to buy "Theory's Empire" to console myself for being so hungover. It's a book of essays critical of Theory, trying to preserve its insights while pointing out some of the worst abuses. But I realized that I'm too susceptible to the arguments I read and hear to buy this book without also reading something from the other side. So I wanted to get the "Norton Anthology of Theory and Criticism," too, but that would mean I would be buying 70 or 80 dollars worth of books for the hell of it.
So I bought "Mimesis" by Erich Auerbach. It's fucking amazing. His readings are so fucking spot-on and link together in insightful ways and are incredibly grounded in the text.... I keep reading a couple of pages and then looking up and thinking about it and then reading more; the book feels more than anything like a really good class.
Of course, looking up, when I'm in a Starbucks on 24th street on a Saturday night means dealing with the fact that the world is full of unbearably beautiful people who are not sitting in a Starbucks and reading on their Saturday nights. I don't feel unattractive, per se. The world just seems to be filled with another species of people, who are--in Diana's words--shinier than I am. Which isn't in itself a problem, either, except I don't know how to find more less-shiny people.
And somehow--and I know I'm wrong about this--the decision to become shiny seems to require focusing on surface over depth. I don't really understand my ethics here, but when I think about deciding to work out and dress better and so forth, it always seems vaguely problematic. But I don't BELIEVE in a surface/depth distinction with regards to people! I suppose I'm letting my jealousy turn a specific set of differences into a generic difference: replacing "they are better at x" with "they are x-people." And, defining x-people means classifying myself as y.
I remember Nilo pointing out the difference in meaning between "disabled people" and "people with disabilities."
I feel like my head is full of layers upon layers of maladjusted and problematic reactions. But I want to be a good person! (I'm trying to figure out what Wittgenstein would make of that particular desire. It's clear that this is a unique use of the word "want," but where do I go from there?)
Where do I go from here?
