In China, we got David Dawson (a family friend) a Chairman Mao bag as an Eagle Scout gift.
My dad wrote a letter to accompany it.
The Harrisons
6 Hedge Lane
Austin, TX 78746
February 11, 2006
Mr. David Dawson
3091 Woodlane Cove
Germantown, TN 38138
Dear David,
Congratulations on your obtaining the rank of Eagle Scout. Our family admires the dedication and hard work that it took to get this rank that none of us ever obtained. I’m also glad to know that most Eagle Scouts eventually become Republicans, some just take longer than others.
Knowing that you were leaving high school to study International Relations and your political leanings toward pacifism and appeasement, we knew that finding the appropriate gift to reconcile the conservative values of personal responsibility embodied in scouting with your more “progressive” political views would be difficult. We searched the world before finding what we think is the perfect gift.
As you probably know, Chairman Mao’s revolution in China unleashed the power of the proletariat in a way that our Democratic Party today only dreams of. We’re sure you will enjoy the readings from the Chairman enlightening and your mind will continue to expand from better understanding this important world leader’s thoughts.
We wish you the best in your college choice process!
Sincerely,
The Harrisons
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I didn’t think this letter was entirely representative, so I added my own:
The Harrisons
6 Hedge Lane
Austin, TX 78746
February 11, 2006
Mr. David Dawson
3091 Woodlane Cove
Germantown, TN 38138
Dear David,
Congratulations on reaching the rank of Eagle Scout. This is a heck of an accomplishment and a real honor. I know this, because I come from a long line of otherwise excellent people who are not Eagle Scouts, and so I know how much excellence it must take in order to make it all the way there. I also know that your father once grew his thumbnail out long enough that he could hide a match head under it, so as to be able to swim across a lake and then start a fire with it. (My father, on the other hand, figured out how to get a buzz from smoking banana peels. We all have our accomplishments.)
Coming from a long line of not-Eagle-Scouts, I can tell you one or two things about what not-Eagle Scouts see in Eagle Scouts. First of all, you know how to tie good knots. Whatsoever ye bind on Earth stays bound on earth. You can find constellations, cook over a campfire, change your own oil, and whistle. I can do none of these things.
More than that, though, you (to a not-Eagle-Scout who’s gotten to watch you grow up) are resourceful. You are persistent, dedicated, kind and honest. You are truthful. You are prepared. Eagle Scouts are the kind of people who leave places better than they found them, who care about the world they live in in all sorts of ways, who always go back for a second load, or second pack, or second canoe. (Incidentally, these are also the virtues of the Democratic Party. More on this later.)
So congratulations, not on becoming an Eagle Scout, but on being one. Aristotle, in one of the books I almost read in college, says that one becomes a moral person not so much by thinking about Goodness or Citizenship or, heaven knows, Good Citizenship, but by acting morally. Aristotle, I feel sure, was an Eagle Scout.
My father (and yours) says you will become a Republican. This may well be true. You will also become old, and fat, and bald. Hair will grow in places it shouldn’t and not in places it should. You may lose your ability to maintain an erection. (If you don’t know what this means, you are not yet in danger of becoming a Republican.)
All sorts of terrible things probably will happen to you. I’m afraid that not even being an Eagle Scout is proof against psoriasis, or eczema, or Republicanism. But for now, while you are Young and Fun and Not An Accountant, I encourage you to live liberally. I doubt you need me to tell you this. But, just in case, I’ll say it again: live liberally! Try Ethiopian food. (I know a place in New York, if you’re ever around.) Throw yourself into things and off cliffs. Become a Buddhist.
Bring home a different book every weekend. You don’t have to tell your parents, but keep reading Marx, Foucault, Lao Tze, Kant. Have arguments. Get into fights. None of us Harrisons are much good in a fight, but feel free to call us for anything else. You’re an adult now, so you’ll need a few things—a good barber, health insurance, someone you can count on to raise bail. Put us down for the bail.
One more thing I know about Eagle Scouts: they carry a lot of stuff. Therefore: your gift. Carry it proudly, if just to piss off your dad before you become him. Congratulations and the best of luck.
Matthew Harrison
